Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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