Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize