So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Randomize
