I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
