My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he shaved USA in his pubs
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
