tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
