Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
