just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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