dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
