what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
