I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
