How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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