Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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