you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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