we have officially lost it.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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