So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
