I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
