He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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