I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
