Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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