Just cropdusted the office
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
