Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
