i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
