why didn't you poke me back
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
