i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
