don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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