I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
