Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The uberlube is also flammable
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
