you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize