Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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