oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Randomize
