do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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