Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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