I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
