im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
cat food counts as protein by the way
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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