I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
