MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
