is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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