all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
