He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
