the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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