yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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