I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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