You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
