I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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