when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
