Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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