I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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