The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
