Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
