there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
