if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
