we made out on top of his cat.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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