Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He called his prostate his "boner button".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
