There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
