i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
