I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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