now i know why i became what i already was.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
