so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
