can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
