The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
