I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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