She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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