you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
