No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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